As I sit here quietly a million thoughts run through my mind. In less than four days I will be boarding the airplane that will begin a journey that I have been planning now for two years. I have spent countless hours longing to be back in that red dirt, holding tiny brown hands, and praising the Lord in the country that has forever captured my heart. I have been so confident in what I believe is the Lord's calling for me these past many months. For so long not a single ounce of trepidation has crossed my mind... at least that is until now.
Right now I am scared. Right now I am afraid. Right now I face the kind hearted smiles and well wishes of all those who have supported me, loved me, and been on this long journey with me back to Uganda as they send me on my way. I try my best to put on my "big girl face" because what I am doing, I am doing on my own... for the first time ever. I try not to let them see the fear in my eyes or the feelings of intimidation in my voice. But the closer the day gets that I board that plane, the more I feel myself start to fail in my attempts of camouflage.
So here I am, proclaiming that I am terrified. As I sit here quietly with these one million thoughts running through my mind I ask myself -- what have I done? Why couldn't I have just spent my summer like a normal college student? It would have been so easy to spend my summer doing what would have been simple-- to just ignore the calling I felt like the Lord was placing on my heart. But I didn't, instead I said yes. And as terrified as I am, even in my moments of doubt, I know that this next month will be one of the best of my life.
What I am doing is in no way special. I am not doing anything spectacular, I am just following what I feel is the will of the Lord for my life. People so often ask me why on Earth would I ever want to do this. And while there are so many things I would like to say to these people, my best answer is just simply this-- I have been gifted with a grace, a love, a forgiveness that I am so underserving of -- how can I not share it with the world? When I look into the smiling faces of the children I have gone to serve every ounce of fear, every ounce of wonder, and every ounce of want for a simpler summer fades away. Why? Because in those beautiful faces I see Jesus.
So as I sit here quietly asking myself what have I done, I remind myself that its not what I have done -- it is what Jesus has done in me.
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